Mele mai ho gaya Kela !!

When the procession arrived at the destination, they offered balls (cricket balls) on Pathan`s cemetry to pray for his lost form and soul. The code for summoning Akashwani was very simple. The people who wanted to seek Akashwani`s help just hadto use one of the products endorsed by Pathan in a clever way which would impress her. Puri brothers known for their cleverness had brought Gilette Razors and when they took it out, people started murmering coz they were already shaved and people started thinking about all kinds of dirty things. But Puri brothers in a trist with glory, shaved off their wigs.This smart move was followed by a round of fireworks as people again went into festive mood. They were stopped when a thundering voice called out

"Khud to Jale ho Mujhe bhi Jalate ho Rajajaani,

phir bhi thumak ke aati hoon kyunki mai hoon aakashwani"

Everybody grew silent and they all sat around the grave while the Puri brothers took centrestage. An old man stood up and narrated the bizarre incidents of the day and urged Aakshwani to solve the mystery. Aakashwani then blew a ring of fire burning down the poster of Pathan in order to warn the Puri brothers against lying. Om started his defense and what he said just swept people off their feet (ohh they were sitting right?? the old man who was standing fainted). Om said that he was actually umm attracted to men and so was very miserable in Mayapuri. He used to hang out with females in order to know stuff about their former boyfriends. Akashwani retorted by saying, "Stupid, instead of talking to girls here, you could have moved to UK and you would have made some really big guys happy"

Amrish then put forth his side of the story. What he said didnt go a bit with his husky voice and towering personality. He said that he was sleepy all the time and so although he loved the babes of Mayapuri, he couldnt be the father because he always slept off when things started spicing up. Obviously Aakashwani didnt believe him and said"Ther paapi, mai teri jubaan khenchti hoon" (meaning Hey Darklord, shall I have thee tongue). Amrish then pleaded that he was telling the truth and tried to explain his problem. He said that as a kid he was insomniac and so one day he just swallowed down hundreds of sleeping pills. While normalpeople would have died in such a case, his machoism saved him from death but placed this eternal sideffect upon him. All the people sympathized with him and the mood was very somber.

Now all the people obviously assumed that Madan was the father and they started congratulating Akashwani on her success. But Aakashwani asked them to shut up and asked Madan to speak up. Madan said that if Om and Amrish were not the father, then he must have been the father but he didnt know for real because he only knew that it takes a man and a woman for a child, but he didnt know that the father was the one who talks the most with the mother. People were confounded. A lot of profanity then filled the air. People believed that either this man was a total idiot (naive guy) or he was bluffing them. Aakashwani then calmed them down and asked a set of puzzles (too explicit to be written here :))which proved that Madan was infact a naive guy and people wondered why did the babes hang out with these 3 utterly incompetent and weird guys and they all said in unison "Chicks dig weirdos"

While all this was happening, Pentamma became consious and was told about the confusion surrounding the father of her child. She at once walked to the Pathan ka Kabristan and addressed the people. She said, "You guys are so stupid. Instead of doing all this you could have asked me about the father. Actually, none of the Puri brothers is the father."Again, people started murmuring. She continued, "Before coming here, I was very sad as my boyfriend had broken my heart and so I started meditating in an Ashram to alleviate my pain. After several days a Baba came to me and gave me a fruit, saying that it was the path to my redemption.That fruit has given me this child and these Puri brothers have been wonderful and have helped me to get over my past life so that I can make a fresh beginning." On hearing all this, some people clapped while most others said "Oh crap, whatever!!". Akashwani for once had failed to solve the case and people then realized that in a way it was good coz now they knew that even Angels are fallible and so everybody went back to their normal lives of cribbing about everything and throwing parties in between to relish this journey called Life :)

Duniya Haseenon ka Mela

Somewhere in India, there is a town called Mayapuri which is extremely famous for its Puris - a balloon style blown up dish and also the 3 Macho Puri brothers(Madan, Amrish and Om) who stole the heart and other things of divas all over the world. The brothers were so charismatic that no female could ever resist them. The stories of their magnetism spread like wild fire (Elsewhere eligible bachelors like me were crying out "Ye aag Kab bhoojhegi" and people handed out Pudin Hara in response) and beautiful babes from all over the world came to Mayapuri to taste the Puris. Once they were there, they just couldn't go back as it was impossible to give up on the Fantastic Four.

So, the small town was swelling up with beauty and everything seemed wonderful until something weird happened on Friday the 13Th. While everyone was relishing their morning Puri, Pentamma (winner of the title of Southern siren) suddenly started vomiting. Now, this came as a shock to all the people as Puri was like "Amrut" and they all turned their heads vigorously (with the "Dsh-Dsh" background sound) 6 times. Now, this heavy turning of head (which is usually done thrice to express any emotion) broke the neck of a few people and even killed a significant few. So, an investigation was started to find out the cause of this whole incident. It was then learnt that there was nothing wrong with the Puri and the real reason behind Pentamma`s inexplicable act was that she was pregnant.

The news sparked a big round of gossip and the babes started speculating on who might be the father of the child. Obviously they all had different opinions and so this started a series of cat fights between the babes. Men from far off corners then converged on to Mayapuri to witness these beautiful fights. When all possible combinations of fights were done, they all went to the Puri brothers to put an end to this period of uncertainity. When the Puris heard the news, all of them feigned Heart Attack at the same time, but their simultaneous act coupled with their lousy acting gave them away and so they had to face the issue like real men. The only solution was by going to "Pathan ka Kabristan" were Aakashwani would make them talk and truth would find its way. Having decided that, a procession towards the destination started with

People singing Kawali
about Ek Phool kai Mali
kuch dete the gaali
baaki kehte the Jai maa Kaali

-------End of Volume 1------

Watch out for the concluding part "Mele mai Ho gaya Kela" comin soon on a flat screen near you. Tab tak apne Host and Dost Dilphek Nawab ko aagya dijiye (Till then your Host and friend Heart throwing Nawab will go come give)

Wazzup..

Long long time ago, on this very planet a battle was being fought between Ram (leader of the Arctic Monkeys) and Ravan (the Lankan Gangsta). The cause of the war was the same thing that has hit mankind below the belt ever since - a chick (ooh, I go weak in my knees again). Now, during the course of the battle, Ravan`s son Jeetendra/Indrajit - The Jumping Jack (He became a force to reckon with a lot later on) diverted Laxman`s (Ram`s kid bro) attention with his flashy attire(AAah those white shoes) and shot home a Shakti Baan. Though Jeetendra looked stupid, he had actually delivered the knockout punch and Laxman was about to die. Ram was in splits as this meant he would have to face the ruthless Jeetendra all alone next time. But, some wise monkey suggested that Laxman could be saved by Sanjeevani Booty. Ram got very excited on hearing that and sent out Hanuman (His kids later became famous as Superman and Shaktiman in Hollywood and Bollywood respectively) to do the needful. After some time, Hanuman was seen coming with a mountain.

Narad (the AajTak Reporter looking for some Breaking News) : Whats Up??

Ram (looking up with excitement) : Hanuman is bringing some chick who will shake her booty to rejuvenate Laxman

Wise Monkey : Dood, its not some chick. Its a medicinal Shrub.

Ram (visibly perturbed) : what the ****. I have been alone for such a long time. I thought maybe I will also enjoy some item numbers while Laxman heals.

Narada (Confused) : So wassup

Ram : Something is up, but I am definitely down. Life suxxx.

This is how wassup was first used and then it became vastly popular as Narada used it everywhere to gauge mood swings (People used to fly a lot those days). Fast forward to present times and the word is so popular, that its inevitably used in the beginning of any conversation. Now, generally people respond with "Nothing Much" or if life is a happening mess, then they rant about it. But, sometimes some people (mostly jobless ones like me) do respond differently. Here are some of those :

Dude 1 : Hey wazzup

Dude 2 : Why do you ask me. Go look it up yourself...Freak

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Blonde female : Hey wassup

Desi Dood : Dorling ye bhi koi poochne waali baaat hai..Publically kaise bataoon

Blonde female : What??

Desi Dood : I saying first trip my to London

Blonde female (doesnt get his accent) : Sorry

Desi Dood : Egjhactly :)

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Ah there are many more koohl responses to Wazzup, but before people hunt me down and kick my ***, I would like to stop with immidiate effect.

Ye Lagga Chakka

Well cricket seems to be all around these dayzz and when every Tomy (neighbourhood dog and a psycho professor), Chick (Mandira) and Hairy (siddhu) are throwing their balls, I thought why not me (Aakhir star kaun nahi banna chahta? Mujhe kya pata kaun nahi banna chahta..Mai banna chahta hoon boss). Many people are saying that instead of hitting chakkey (sixes), the Men in Blue thought its better to become one. But, I think they realize that sixes are there to be hit, so off the field I can see sixes being smashed all over the big wide world. Guru Greg is the baap of all Tarantinos and always has something juicy for us. We just love him mayt. If not for him, the postWorld Cup scene in India would have been such a boring affair with the team trying to keep a sad face as if someone had taken a bite of their favourite Lijjat Pappad and probably seeing that, BCCI would say that the boyjj played well, but the time was absolutely horrific as revealed by the 36-24-36 paasa combination of Pandit Jagannath (He is a dude operating in the kingdom of Chunnadgadh and always predicts something is going to be messed up by throwing some stupid marbles). Now, that players and coach are attacking each other, it just goes to show how good India is in Kabbadi (which btw is a very koohl game wherein the players just grab whatever they can off their opponents before they let out their bad breath which might kill many and amount to bio-chemical warfare). So, we can say that cricket is actually just a mask for showcasing the theatrical and kabbadi talents of our people. But even when we are talking of "Masala", I think our neighbours beat us hands down. They were so inspired by Hitchcock that they threw us an intriguing Murder Mystery in the midst of World Cup. In the words of their own commander "First of all Thanks to Allah, the boyjj played really well". So, even in that department we lost out on the crown :(

I dont really understand why people still get so overtly sentimental when our team looses a match, its not as if its a rare occurence. They have done it so many times, that it is more like a norm these days. But people, dont be disheartened. I know of ways which can turn your woes upside down. Yes, we can be a champion side, not only in Cricket but in any sport. The easiest way which I can think of is to borrow the Talwar-e-Sulaemani from Ramanand Sagar and shout out "Yaa Allah Kar Maddad" and the sword will take care of the rest. After that, it will be party time with Arabian chicks on a yatch. Another way is to put in our very own (D man himself) Sunny Paaji in the team and ask him to carry out his normal dialogue delivery whenever the chips are down and believe me I dont think that will happen more then once. So, when such simple and obvious solutions are there for the taking, I dont know what stops these sports bodies from taking them up. I think they are in Loveee and that has blinded them. How else can a rational man explain this observation. Well they just have to find a 7up bottle. Phir usse zattak se kholkar, fattak se pee jayain. Baaki Sab to Moh Maya hai.