Kuk Kware Kware

Some time back, me and my friends(uru and bkc) went to the land of revelry - Goa. It was a helluva trip and we were drawn away from our morose lives and put into an exciting fun filled one for a few days. The journey itself was very painful as the buswallah thought that since many people might be wearing VIP (no need to adjust) undies they can adjust with cramped spaces, while he makes some extra bucks by adding an extra row of seats. As if the persistent discomfort was not enough, somewhere in between all the people around me started throwing up and induced this urge to puke in me. But I stood my ground and this was possible because I closed my eyes and remembered how Nimmo fought all odds in that serial Kya Hoga Nimmo ka and that gave me incredible strength. But the fun we had in Goa made all this hardship worth enduring.

We stayed in a small hotel near the Calangute beach (I later renamed it as "Kala Gult" after uru)and spent most of our time around that area. It was extremely hot and humid there but that didn`t dampen our spirits and we travelled quite a lot covering a few beaches and forts. Infact the only thing which curbed our enthu was the hangover which we had on the final day. On the penultimate day, we did most of our travelling and went to the "Dil Chahta hai"(Chapora) Fort and did some "Kuk Kware". After that we saw the Tirikul Fort which is disjointed from the mainland and so we had to take a ferry to go there. It was nice. On our way back, we stopped at the End of the World (Mandrem) beach and frolicked in sand and water as if there was no tomorrow. The waves were very strong and even a bawdy builder like me was made to do many saumersaults (the incoming wave knocked me down and the outgoing force from under just tossed my feet up) and I had a lot of salt in my mouth by the end of it. We came back to the Kala Gult in the evening and tried out Parasailing. It was exhilarating but we were brought down in no time and so I was sulking at how these people were robbing us of the assured quota of excitement which our money guaranteed :) So while we were cribbing, we sat there and had some beer and soon we were in Paradise. We had decided to have a proper booze session that night and gawd what a session it was. When I am tired, alchohol kicks in almost immidiately and I get totally bowled over. This day comes next only to the (in)famous "Swarry Night" in terms of the alchohol effect. But this time I was not the only one. All of us were equally high and it seemed as if we were in a musical. The damn Fainy shots were too hot to handle and I slept almost the whole night in a sitting posture on the beach. Next day we had this terrible hangover which I mentioned earlier and so we were slowed down. Still we went to the Aguda lighthouse and Bagha beach that day and in between found a quiet soothing place where I am sure many love stories as well as murder mysteries must have been written. Unfortunately (fortunately for others) I couldnt do that towel rubbing dance step which Salman Khan performed so elegantly in the song "Jeene Ke Hain Chaar Din". Perhaps humanity will bless me someday for skipping that.

Fast forward to present time, life sucks but atleast memories like these can give us a chuckle of delight. The trip was awesome and since pictures speak much more than words, the unfortunate ones who hit this page can go through some more pain and look at these :

http://picasaweb.google.com/kalyan.bollapalli/GoaTrip

http://picasaweb.google.com/abhijha/JeeneKeHaiCharDin

Mele mai ho gaya Kela !!

When the procession arrived at the destination, they offered balls (cricket balls) on Pathan`s cemetry to pray for his lost form and soul. The code for summoning Akashwani was very simple. The people who wanted to seek Akashwani`s help just hadto use one of the products endorsed by Pathan in a clever way which would impress her. Puri brothers known for their cleverness had brought Gilette Razors and when they took it out, people started murmering coz they were already shaved and people started thinking about all kinds of dirty things. But Puri brothers in a trist with glory, shaved off their wigs.This smart move was followed by a round of fireworks as people again went into festive mood. They were stopped when a thundering voice called out

"Khud to Jale ho Mujhe bhi Jalate ho Rajajaani,

phir bhi thumak ke aati hoon kyunki mai hoon aakashwani"

Everybody grew silent and they all sat around the grave while the Puri brothers took centrestage. An old man stood up and narrated the bizarre incidents of the day and urged Aakshwani to solve the mystery. Aakashwani then blew a ring of fire burning down the poster of Pathan in order to warn the Puri brothers against lying. Om started his defense and what he said just swept people off their feet (ohh they were sitting right?? the old man who was standing fainted). Om said that he was actually umm attracted to men and so was very miserable in Mayapuri. He used to hang out with females in order to know stuff about their former boyfriends. Akashwani retorted by saying, "Stupid, instead of talking to girls here, you could have moved to UK and you would have made some really big guys happy"

Amrish then put forth his side of the story. What he said didnt go a bit with his husky voice and towering personality. He said that he was sleepy all the time and so although he loved the babes of Mayapuri, he couldnt be the father because he always slept off when things started spicing up. Obviously Aakashwani didnt believe him and said"Ther paapi, mai teri jubaan khenchti hoon" (meaning Hey Darklord, shall I have thee tongue). Amrish then pleaded that he was telling the truth and tried to explain his problem. He said that as a kid he was insomniac and so one day he just swallowed down hundreds of sleeping pills. While normalpeople would have died in such a case, his machoism saved him from death but placed this eternal sideffect upon him. All the people sympathized with him and the mood was very somber.

Now all the people obviously assumed that Madan was the father and they started congratulating Akashwani on her success. But Aakashwani asked them to shut up and asked Madan to speak up. Madan said that if Om and Amrish were not the father, then he must have been the father but he didnt know for real because he only knew that it takes a man and a woman for a child, but he didnt know that the father was the one who talks the most with the mother. People were confounded. A lot of profanity then filled the air. People believed that either this man was a total idiot (naive guy) or he was bluffing them. Aakashwani then calmed them down and asked a set of puzzles (too explicit to be written here :))which proved that Madan was infact a naive guy and people wondered why did the babes hang out with these 3 utterly incompetent and weird guys and they all said in unison "Chicks dig weirdos"

While all this was happening, Pentamma became consious and was told about the confusion surrounding the father of her child. She at once walked to the Pathan ka Kabristan and addressed the people. She said, "You guys are so stupid. Instead of doing all this you could have asked me about the father. Actually, none of the Puri brothers is the father."Again, people started murmuring. She continued, "Before coming here, I was very sad as my boyfriend had broken my heart and so I started meditating in an Ashram to alleviate my pain. After several days a Baba came to me and gave me a fruit, saying that it was the path to my redemption.That fruit has given me this child and these Puri brothers have been wonderful and have helped me to get over my past life so that I can make a fresh beginning." On hearing all this, some people clapped while most others said "Oh crap, whatever!!". Akashwani for once had failed to solve the case and people then realized that in a way it was good coz now they knew that even Angels are fallible and so everybody went back to their normal lives of cribbing about everything and throwing parties in between to relish this journey called Life :)

Duniya Haseenon ka Mela

Somewhere in India, there is a town called Mayapuri which is extremely famous for its Puris - a balloon style blown up dish and also the 3 Macho Puri brothers(Madan, Amrish and Om) who stole the heart and other things of divas all over the world. The brothers were so charismatic that no female could ever resist them. The stories of their magnetism spread like wild fire (Elsewhere eligible bachelors like me were crying out "Ye aag Kab bhoojhegi" and people handed out Pudin Hara in response) and beautiful babes from all over the world came to Mayapuri to taste the Puris. Once they were there, they just couldn't go back as it was impossible to give up on the Fantastic Four.

So, the small town was swelling up with beauty and everything seemed wonderful until something weird happened on Friday the 13Th. While everyone was relishing their morning Puri, Pentamma (winner of the title of Southern siren) suddenly started vomiting. Now, this came as a shock to all the people as Puri was like "Amrut" and they all turned their heads vigorously (with the "Dsh-Dsh" background sound) 6 times. Now, this heavy turning of head (which is usually done thrice to express any emotion) broke the neck of a few people and even killed a significant few. So, an investigation was started to find out the cause of this whole incident. It was then learnt that there was nothing wrong with the Puri and the real reason behind Pentamma`s inexplicable act was that she was pregnant.

The news sparked a big round of gossip and the babes started speculating on who might be the father of the child. Obviously they all had different opinions and so this started a series of cat fights between the babes. Men from far off corners then converged on to Mayapuri to witness these beautiful fights. When all possible combinations of fights were done, they all went to the Puri brothers to put an end to this period of uncertainity. When the Puris heard the news, all of them feigned Heart Attack at the same time, but their simultaneous act coupled with their lousy acting gave them away and so they had to face the issue like real men. The only solution was by going to "Pathan ka Kabristan" were Aakashwani would make them talk and truth would find its way. Having decided that, a procession towards the destination started with

People singing Kawali
about Ek Phool kai Mali
kuch dete the gaali
baaki kehte the Jai maa Kaali

-------End of Volume 1------

Watch out for the concluding part "Mele mai Ho gaya Kela" comin soon on a flat screen near you. Tab tak apne Host and Dost Dilphek Nawab ko aagya dijiye (Till then your Host and friend Heart throwing Nawab will go come give)

Wazzup..

Long long time ago, on this very planet a battle was being fought between Ram (leader of the Arctic Monkeys) and Ravan (the Lankan Gangsta). The cause of the war was the same thing that has hit mankind below the belt ever since - a chick (ooh, I go weak in my knees again). Now, during the course of the battle, Ravan`s son Jeetendra/Indrajit - The Jumping Jack (He became a force to reckon with a lot later on) diverted Laxman`s (Ram`s kid bro) attention with his flashy attire(AAah those white shoes) and shot home a Shakti Baan. Though Jeetendra looked stupid, he had actually delivered the knockout punch and Laxman was about to die. Ram was in splits as this meant he would have to face the ruthless Jeetendra all alone next time. But, some wise monkey suggested that Laxman could be saved by Sanjeevani Booty. Ram got very excited on hearing that and sent out Hanuman (His kids later became famous as Superman and Shaktiman in Hollywood and Bollywood respectively) to do the needful. After some time, Hanuman was seen coming with a mountain.

Narad (the AajTak Reporter looking for some Breaking News) : Whats Up??

Ram (looking up with excitement) : Hanuman is bringing some chick who will shake her booty to rejuvenate Laxman

Wise Monkey : Dood, its not some chick. Its a medicinal Shrub.

Ram (visibly perturbed) : what the ****. I have been alone for such a long time. I thought maybe I will also enjoy some item numbers while Laxman heals.

Narada (Confused) : So wassup

Ram : Something is up, but I am definitely down. Life suxxx.

This is how wassup was first used and then it became vastly popular as Narada used it everywhere to gauge mood swings (People used to fly a lot those days). Fast forward to present times and the word is so popular, that its inevitably used in the beginning of any conversation. Now, generally people respond with "Nothing Much" or if life is a happening mess, then they rant about it. But, sometimes some people (mostly jobless ones like me) do respond differently. Here are some of those :

Dude 1 : Hey wazzup

Dude 2 : Why do you ask me. Go look it up yourself...Freak

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Blonde female : Hey wassup

Desi Dood : Dorling ye bhi koi poochne waali baaat hai..Publically kaise bataoon

Blonde female : What??

Desi Dood : I saying first trip my to London

Blonde female (doesnt get his accent) : Sorry

Desi Dood : Egjhactly :)

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Ah there are many more koohl responses to Wazzup, but before people hunt me down and kick my ***, I would like to stop with immidiate effect.

Ye Lagga Chakka

Well cricket seems to be all around these dayzz and when every Tomy (neighbourhood dog and a psycho professor), Chick (Mandira) and Hairy (siddhu) are throwing their balls, I thought why not me (Aakhir star kaun nahi banna chahta? Mujhe kya pata kaun nahi banna chahta..Mai banna chahta hoon boss). Many people are saying that instead of hitting chakkey (sixes), the Men in Blue thought its better to become one. But, I think they realize that sixes are there to be hit, so off the field I can see sixes being smashed all over the big wide world. Guru Greg is the baap of all Tarantinos and always has something juicy for us. We just love him mayt. If not for him, the postWorld Cup scene in India would have been such a boring affair with the team trying to keep a sad face as if someone had taken a bite of their favourite Lijjat Pappad and probably seeing that, BCCI would say that the boyjj played well, but the time was absolutely horrific as revealed by the 36-24-36 paasa combination of Pandit Jagannath (He is a dude operating in the kingdom of Chunnadgadh and always predicts something is going to be messed up by throwing some stupid marbles). Now, that players and coach are attacking each other, it just goes to show how good India is in Kabbadi (which btw is a very koohl game wherein the players just grab whatever they can off their opponents before they let out their bad breath which might kill many and amount to bio-chemical warfare). So, we can say that cricket is actually just a mask for showcasing the theatrical and kabbadi talents of our people. But even when we are talking of "Masala", I think our neighbours beat us hands down. They were so inspired by Hitchcock that they threw us an intriguing Murder Mystery in the midst of World Cup. In the words of their own commander "First of all Thanks to Allah, the boyjj played really well". So, even in that department we lost out on the crown :(

I dont really understand why people still get so overtly sentimental when our team looses a match, its not as if its a rare occurence. They have done it so many times, that it is more like a norm these days. But people, dont be disheartened. I know of ways which can turn your woes upside down. Yes, we can be a champion side, not only in Cricket but in any sport. The easiest way which I can think of is to borrow the Talwar-e-Sulaemani from Ramanand Sagar and shout out "Yaa Allah Kar Maddad" and the sword will take care of the rest. After that, it will be party time with Arabian chicks on a yatch. Another way is to put in our very own (D man himself) Sunny Paaji in the team and ask him to carry out his normal dialogue delivery whenever the chips are down and believe me I dont think that will happen more then once. So, when such simple and obvious solutions are there for the taking, I dont know what stops these sports bodies from taking them up. I think they are in Loveee and that has blinded them. How else can a rational man explain this observation. Well they just have to find a 7up bottle. Phir usse zattak se kholkar, fattak se pee jayain. Baaki Sab to Moh Maya hai.

Dood Where`s My Language

I have been wondering about this for quite some time now and I sometimes feel saddened by the current state of affairs. English has penetrated our lives to such an extent that it has just washed away (or atleast its in the process of washing away) the significance of all other languages (the so-callednative ones). Now, its good that people are so comfortable with English because that is an essential element of globalization, but then is it good to loose something which was once a part of youridentity? Ofcourse if that something is in anyway contrary to the human rationale, then its better to loose it and march ahead, but I can`t see any perspective which gives that idea about Hindi or otherlocal languages of our country. Then why have people started giving a cold shoulder to these languages. Its as if any form of literary or artistic work has almost stopped happening in any other language other than English.

I hope that I am wrong and that I am a mis-informed individual, but then that doesn`t seem to be the case as I am not a total dumbo who doesn`t have a clue as to what`s going around. When I can hear of so many English best-sellers and hardly any thing in any other language, its natural for me to have this idea. If we take the current generation, we can hardly find people who are aware of great literary work in their languages, but then when you ask them about English, they just won`t stop and you will have a huge pile of books which they think is/was great.

Now,definitely its not as if our brains are too small to appreciate things done in various languages/forms. Its just that people have started associating a factor of "coolness" with English and other languages have lost their charm for them. They have just remained as colloquial languages now and that too is dying down fast. Now I might get a lot of brickbats for being all too sentimental about the state and then writing everything in English, but then I am a very lazy guy and its difficult to write a piece in Devanagari with the current set of keyboards. I don`t see keyboards with Devanagari characters in India, whereas almost all the keyboards in some of the Asian countries like korea have their respective language symbols on them. That signals a lack of demand and so its bothering. I myself am guilty of being ignorant about the masterpieces in Hindi and so I am trying to get my hands on some of the good work that has been done in Hindi/Urdu and feel a little happy :) I should say sorry to all the people who stumble or are forced to stumble :) upon this piece, for again writing something serious. But I hope that it gives you something to think about. I haven`t had anything or rather didn`t allow myself to think about anything for a loong time :D

Baawra Mann

I just heard this amazing song "Bawra Mann Dekhne chala hai ek Sapna" from the movie "hazaron Khwahisein Aisi" after a long time and it just left me spellbound. The lyrics of this song is so potent and wonderful that I had to write this column and mind you thats a very big achievement considering how lazy I am :) The impact of the song is beyond words and the listening experience is just magical. Its hard to find songs these days which try to express any emotion or have a concept other than love for one's beloved. So its very refreshing to see songs like this. This one tries to capture the wishfulness of mind. Ofcourse the movie(which I felt was a great work of art) provided a perfect backdrop for this kind of song and once you see the movie, you can relate even better to this song. The song has been written and brilliantly sung by Swanand Kirkire (man what a debut!!). The music is very simple yet poignant and it weaves that air of dreaminess where your mind can wander freely. But still the best part of the song has to be its lyrics. The poetry is so good and the way it captures one's thoughts is simply amazing. I can go on and on about the song. I simply cant get enough of it. Some of the lines which appealed the most to me were :

Baawre se nain chahe bawre jharokon se bawre nazaaron ko takna
Bawre se is jahan mai bawra ek saath ho...Is sayani bheed mai bas haathon mai tera haath ho
Bawre se pair chahe bawre taranon ke bawre se bol pe thirakna
Bawra sa ho andhera bawri khamoshiyan..thartharati lauh madham bawri madhoshiyan..
bawra ek ghungta chahe haule haule bin bataya bawre se mukhde se sarakna..
bawra mann dekhne chala hai ek sapna

While I am at it, the title track of the movie "Hazaron Khwahisein Aisi" is also great, though I personally like the rendition of this great poem by Jagjit Singh for the TV Series "Mirza Galib". Now, this is one of those poems which stand as testimony to the greatness of the man called Ghalib. Its an absolute masterpiece.

Shuruat- The Beginning

Hey folks, this is Abhishek. Finally I have decided to share what Mai aur meri Tanhai Aksar baatein karte hain. Waise it would have been nice if Tanhayee was my Girlfriend, but for now its just my loneliness (Tanhai is the Hindi word for loneliness). I just realized that if I keep on translating every Hindi word I use, then I might as well become an official translator for some politician and earn mega bucks :) There is bound to be a heavy usage of Hindi in my blogs as I feel much more natural in Hindi and I think this space is all about being myself and throwing around whatever crap comes to my mind. So, with that thought lets embark upon this journey.