Chapter 4: The Kiss of Death

Recap : Last week we saw that Sunny suddenly found himself in a Jungle and befriended a herd of Buffaloes. To save his friends, he challenged the tiger preying on them to a duel of Pulli Dance to which the tiger responded energetically and now the story continues :

Dhariwal had mesmerized the jungle junta with his performance. It was a memorable item number and it looked as if the crowd had fallen into a spell. Every damn creature was cheering, except for the buffaloes, who knew that only something special from Sunny could save them. Sunny remembered his Papa (he was probably getting drunk in vegas) and stepped into the arena. He planted his feet and then blurted out something, upon which snakes from all corners of the forest came running. The spectacle that followed was unprecedented. Sunny Paaji in the company of snakes then performed the best ever Naag Dance the wild world had ever witnessed. Everybody started dancing to the tune of "Mai teri Dushman, Dushman tu Mera... Mai Nagin tu Shera (tiger)" and even Sridevi would have felt embarrassed watching this.

Well the big question in your minds must be who will judge this freakinly close contest. The animals were clever, they knew that in case the duel could not be decided by a simple shout of 'Aye', they needed to have a judging panel and so they had called upon Vishkanya 'Tara' (from the famous series Chandrakanta, in which Chandrakanta hardly ever showed up) and Saroj Khan (dikhawe pe mat jao...apni akal lagao..so imagine an extremely hawt female here) who was an experienced judge (Nach Baliye) to call the shots. But this ploy clearly backfired as the panel was split on verdict. While, Saroj Khan threw coins and showed her appreciation for Dhariwal by whistling away, Tara definitely enjoyed the Naag dance as she could relate more to it. But the situation was not all that grim coz the animals anticipated a CAT fight and were all looking straight at the judges with their tongues hanging out.

While the cat fight raged on, the buffaloes asked Sunny about the Naag Dance. Instead of being thankful for giving it his best shot, they were mad at him for not doing their traditional Mooh Mooh dance and were jealous of the snakes. Sunny then told them that even he didnt know what happened, suddenly the snakes came from nowhere and since he was afriad of them, he just moved his body to shoo them away and scare them. At that very instant, the tiger complained that Sunny performed a Naag dance whereas he had challenged him to a Pulli dance, so technically he had lost. Listening to this argument, the buffaloes started shivering but then Sunny rose and with his bloodshot eyes, shouted out, "Kya ek rule tod dega to Sunny sher se haar jayega, kya saamp jaanwar nahi hote aur bhains insaan nahi hote" (Hinglish : break the rules, Sunny not loose, no?? snake no animal ? buffalo no human..waat do u say man?) The entire wild life just stood speechless. The thunderous burst left no doubt about who the winner was. The tiger ran away with tears all over its face and it was a joyous moment for buffaloes. Tara was so impressed with Sunny that she couldnt hold herself and ran towards Sunny, grabbed his hair and gave him the kiss of his life. It was all good and everybody was cheering (and making vulgar comments), but suddenly Sunny`s face started turning pale as if life was being sucked out of him and a Buffalo shouted out, "Arey ye to Vishkanya hai"

Thats all I could come up with this week. But as you may have guessed by now, this story would not end so quickly. After all I am from the land of Balaji Telefilms, so stay tuned so that I can bring in more hot babes (and ofcourse CAT fights...the one this time was pretty lame though) to keep the fire glowing within :)

Chapter 3: Eye of the Tiger

Recap : Last week we saw that Sunny was coming into grips with his existence in Seattle, when he saw a group of pilgrims and picked up a fight with glory (oh didnt I tell u guys, it was the name of that bouncer) and amidst all this chaos, was shot by a junkie. Now the story continues :

He slowly faded into oblivion, his eyes shut out and then there was peace for some time, but then his mind started racing for the first time in his life and he thought that he was finally in heaven as he caught a glimpse of the ever so beautiful, the teary eyed(irritating for others) Madamji. The moment he saw her, he almost became numb with some kind of strange happiness. It was indescribable, the pleasure he felt. What was this feeling? It was definitely not possible for him to fall in love given his stone cold nature. A part of him wanted to get out of this trance, go back and bash Shamshera, glory, Balwantrai and all other KUTTE but yet he was helpless. He consoled himself thinking that no power is strong enough to break out of thin yet indestructible strands which bind the living beings in love or some like that.

While he was bustling with all these philosophical thoughts, he suddenly felt that his lips became moist as if madaji was kissing him. But this was inconceivable since Kudis have to first fall on the man's(Sunny's) feet, say sasriyakal before jumping onto his lips. But what the hell, a kiss is a kiss so he enjoyed it, only to be shell-shocked when he opened his eyes. It was a horse licking his face and the setting had again changed. It was not a well-lit happening city anymore, it was dark and scary. The horse neighed and ran away into the wild. There was a disturbing feel in the air. He could now hear all kinds of animal noises and other strange sounds. What was this? Where were all the people? He was amidst a fight for justice as far as he could remember.

When you are in the wild, you dont get a chance to think about random things. There is only one dominant thought which you are suppposed to be preoccupied with and that is survival and Sunny quickly realized it. A herd of buffalos ran beside him and he started running with them. There was a natural bonding between them (yeah right, the buffalos will have to get smart to carry him along). He looked into their eyes and knew that they were being hunted. He turned back and saw a tiger sprinting behind him. He couldnt believe his eyes. He shouted out Freck Freck double freck and then came to a standstill. Confused and dazed, the entire bunch of animals in the frame froze.

Sunny then did something which was totally incomprehensible. He challenged the tiger to beat him in a duel of Pulli dance (tiger dance made so popular by Gulty and dmk). He didnt know how he communicated this. He just hissed out something and all the animals just understood. So, its easy to understand that he was elated coz now he knew not just Hindi and Punjabi but also Jungli. He did his old thing (stroking his moustache and patting his thigs) and then tried to focus. He had recently seen Step up 2 the streets (Punjabi version: Kuddi Maar te sadkaan wich), so if he could just do whatever he remembered then he would definitely beat the champ at his own game. But he could remember only the cute chic and her unabashedly shown attractive midsection. The odds were stacked heavily against him as the tiger lunged into the ring and the animal music hit the jungle floor driving them mad. It was a very fancy piece put on by the tiger (called dharilal) and Sunny needed something special to save his buffalo mates. He came forward and planted his feet hard on the ground............

Obviously what you expect didnt happen, but lets just wait so that I can think about what actually happened. To my friends for whom there was not much action this time, I promise there will be lots next time, I just wanted to talk about crazy boring stuff to get more audience :)

Chapter 2 :The Brave must die

Recap : We saw last week that Sunny finds himself in unknown territory and is reminded of the events of the day which involved him going through a highly entertaining song and dance sequence, followed by his never ending walk towards the tree of justice where the Panchayat would decide his fate in the matter of "smacked my bitch up" raised by Shamshera. Now the story continues :

"Bro, can you lend me a dollar..I m very hungry nd can use a hamburger to water the bitch..You know what I mean?? These were the words which broke Sunny`s thoughts. He saw that a dude was standing in front of him and talking in what was gibberish to him. Sunny could speak only in Punjabi/Hindi. He was sent to a nice school as a kid where he should have learned English, but he declared that English was a foreign language and since they didnt eat Indian pappad in the west, he would also not learn their language (as strange as it might sound to you, the entire school concurred with Sunny. After all, the school of sardars was too intelligent to reject such an intuitive statement). He only knew 3 words of English - F*** (because it can be used in any sentence), Please and swarry. So, he tried to communicate by saying, F*** mainu pareshaan naa kar please. The dude read between the statement (thought he was saying fuck me please) and ran away like he had caught a fire in his crotch. Sunny was pleased with his effective communication and stroked his moustache and patted his thighs in a sense of victory.

It was a chilly night and Sunny realized that he needed to go to a warm place as the hair on his arms were standing up and that spelt bad omen. He saw that a number of people were queued up at a place (club with a dance floor) a few meters away. He thought that it must be a temple and joined the queue. He was very hungry by now and praised the lord for saving him as he could get both food and a warm shelter in the temple. As he approached the entrance, he saw that there were a couple of burly guys guarding the entrance and people were showing them something, in reaction to which the hulks were stamping the pilgrims hands (again the eye of the dude, so used pilgrims there...they are actually a bunch of party freaks). Sunny was appalled at this sight and imagined some graphic sights of cruel beasts torturing innocent country people by blowing out hot fumes. He decided at once that it was time to show the power of Pappad and end injustice. As his turn came, the bouncer asked for his ID, to which Sunny replied F*** teri to -expletives in Hindi/Punjabi-- swarry (he just needed to use an English word at the start and the end). The man was confused, he didnt know whether Sunny was saying fuck off or sorry..Either way, he couldnt allow him without the id and so he asked for his id again. This time Sunny decided that he had had enough and Laaton ke bhoot baaton se nahi maante and so he threw a punch at the bouncer. This led to a fearsome battle between the 2 hefty doods.

As the battle raged (everybody loves kungfu fightin was being played in the disc), suddenly the song changed to 'Youth of the Nation' and one of the depressed junkies in the crowd got carried away and started shooting bullets. Sunny caught a tool in the chest during the shootout and so his eyes turned pale. Still he managed to throw his ongoing punch and knock out the bouncer before crashing on the ground. People say that your whole life flashes before you in those last few seconds and so Sunny was waiting for his memory to do that trick but it eluded him and his mind was totally blank (blank in the sense of memories..His brain was anyway hollow since his birth). People were gathered around the body when something strange happened :O

I guess thats enough for this week, and as that creep in crime report says, Chain se sona hai to jaaag jao and intezaar karo agle hafte tak coz it aint over until its over. I guess I can write a tv series on this story :)

ps: Dont try to look up "water the bitch" in any kinda urban dictionary or whatever. I just threw up an arbit phrase to mean Quench Hunger. I guessed it would make me a koohl brother :)